Small Step Before the Big Jump…

I know, I know….it has been awhile since I have last shared our journey. Long story short, life got really busy really fast. Have you have had a time in your life when it feels like you are on the downward drop of a rollercoaster? Everything moving so fast that it becomes a blur? That has been my life for the last two months…and then COVID-19 happened, and my life drastically slowed down. It still took me awhile to come back to the blog because, in truth, not much has changed since the last time I wrote an entry. We still have not had any success in the TTC process, we still have not heard anything about the fertility grants, and I am still mentally struggling to stay positive.

Because life has thrown quite the monkey wrench…we have not been able to venture into revisiting a specialist, and with how things are financially (thanks to unemployment), we are not exactly in the place to do that anyway. So, while the world gets back on track…we decided to try something different. We decided to try Mosie Baby.

Mosie Baby is basically….IUI at home. It isn’t as invasive, and it will only go “so far,” so it is safe to do on our own. For lack of better phrasing, it is a sophisticated version of the “Turkey Baster” method. Doesn’t this sound so enticing? No. It doesn’t, and we know it. It makes the whole process feel so robotic, cold, passionless…but, we want to exhaust all of our options. We aren’t ready to give up, yet. We aren’t ready to accept the fact that we can’t bring home a child of our own. So, we will go back to the basics of timing EVERYTHING and see if we can get a positive result with this method.

If you are interested in more information and purchasing guidance, here is the link to the their website. Best of luck to you in your journey, and hopefully all of our aching hearts will be eased soon.

Until next time.

Update on this hermit…

I have been MIA…and I am very aware of it. I do it every time I start feeling overwhelmed by my emotions…and I don’t want anyone to actually see what is going on with me. I have done this my whole life, and I know that I should run and hide from hard times…but I can’t help it. Old habits die hard.

Lately, I have been extremely busy. So busy that I sometimes don’t know what I am doing, or where the heck I am even at. I barely sleep, and I both under and over eat. I am cranky, and I am needy. I am overly sensitive, and yet hard as a rock. I cry because I am overrun with emotion, and I just stare off into the distance because I am numb as hell.

All these things are true.

Right now, we are just in the process of still figuring out what the best plan of action is. I have been working closely with my Family Physician, making much better nutrition choices, and being more active. I am still struggling with pain, and I still have the lovely break through bleeding that makes it feel like my period lasts 2 weeks (total) out of the month instead of just one. In other words, still just kind of the same.

I think the toughest part about my journey so far is the fact that I really do not if I should be hopeful anymore. I don’t know if I will ever get past this hump, or if we will finally get to experience parenthood. I hate the fact that everything is so unknown. I was told today that I have a “Type A” personality…and it took my aback when they said that. I have never considered myself type A, and to have someone describe me as such (no offense AT ALL) was quite shocking…but it makes sense. I am a planner, and I like to know what is going on at all times. I like for things to have a place, and when they don’t it impacts my mood. Anytime something in my life is “messy” it is because I have too much going on, and I do not know how to manage it all. I had a plan on how this fertility journey was going to go, and now things are getting “messy” in this journey, and I do not know what to do anymore.

My husband and I have decided to apply for fertility grants. We are taking a shot in the dark, in hopes that we may be selected for assistance. I know the chances are slim, but I have my fingers crossed. I pray that we are granted the opportunity to expand our family without stressing over money. Financial commitment is the reason we have not moved forward with fertility treatments, even though we know at this point that is great chances of becoming parents.

I know I am not the only person in the world who thinks and feels this way, so the least I can do is provide the links to the grants. If we do not get selected, hopefully one of you will. Send positive vibes to Daniel and I, and please let me know if you decide to apply so that I may do the same for you! Until next time.

https://babyquestfoundation.org/

https://giftofparenthood.org/grant-application/

https://cadefoundation.org/savannah_grant.php?id=5

https://journeytoparenthood.org/application.html/

https://www.hopeforfertility.org/grant/

Let’s Get Real

Most of my posts, so far, have been “positive”. I usually consider myself a positive person, who finds joy in empowering and uplifting people. Today is not one of those days. I am human, and I have moments of doubt…anger…frustration. I promised in my first post that I would be an open book, no secrets…so here goes. Today, I am not in a positive mindset, and I honestly haven’t been for the last week. *insert shoulder shrug*

I used to be one of those people who would act so oblivious to the reason “why” they are aggravated, but not anymore. I know exactly why I am pissy, and I don’t care. I usually try to mask it to protect the people around me, but I need to learn to be honest with how I feel to “protect” me.

No, I am not ONLY upset because I am struggling with fertility…that is one of the things running through my mind, but not all. Lately my struggles reach beyond motherhood, and it makes the heaviness of my mood seem so much greater. I just sat down and told my husband what has me so upset last night, and it is hard when it feels like there isn’t much you can do about it.

First, I am frustrated with my health journey. As I shared a couple of posts back…I have some things that are hindering me from living a full and happy lifestyle. I am battling anemia and endometriosis. There has been plans put in place to help me get those issues under control, and I have found (within a month’s time) them to be harder to implement than I thought. My two main focuses are exercise and watching what I eat. Seems simple, right? No. When it comes to exercise, I have 4 days a week that I actually have time…and that sounds great I know! Here is the problem with that…I AM FREAKING EXHAUSTED. Now I am know I am knot the only human on the face of this planet who deal with fatigue, so I am not looking for sympathy. I am just stating facts. I am exhausted. Between my two (and a half) jobs and the anemia, I am completely drained, and when I am finished with work for the day it feels like I have been unplugged. Now in order for me to get my issues under control, I must incorporate exercise…but my issues are causing me to be too tired for exercise.

I also have to watch what I eat. Now, okay….this one is, tricky. And the reason I say that is….I AM EXHAUSTED!!! There are no on the go options that are healthy enough for me, but I also don’t have the time (cause of work), or I am finally able to get to rest and don’t feel like cooking.

As I write this all out, I can see that I am being a grown cry baby….but as I said earlier, I don’t care. These are issues that I have to work through, and I will….but my goodness it is discouraging. Time to get off my soapbox….until next time.

Through His Eyes…

I see so many women sharing their stories, and speaking out about the journey of becoming a mother…but it isn’t often that you hear what the man goes through during his journey of becoming a father. Even though I don’t always hear about how frustrating this process is for my husband, I know it must be just as devastating for him. So, it is time to hear the male perspective, and see what this journey looks like through my husband’s eyes.

My name is Daniel. I am 36 years old, and Colette is my wife. We have been together for 12 years, and just celebrated 7 years of marriage. I knew I wanted to have kids for quite some time, but it was about 5 years ago that it really became a dream I had for my family. What many people do not know is, this is not the first time children has come up for my wife and I. We sat down and made the decision to become parents several years ago. We were both excited by the idea, but not all of our family was. We were not in a good financial place, and we didn’t have a home that could really accommodate a child…so the lack of excitement came from a place of concern. The relationship we have with our families is extremely important to the both of us, so this was a warning that we took heavily , and we opted to wait on having children. Even though we are content with our decision, it does make me wonder if we would’ve caught the obstacles my wife is facing, and found answers sooner?

This entire journey has been hard. It is a wonderful process, and I cannot image doing this with anyone else! But, it is hard. One of the things I hate the most about this process is watching my wife fall apart every month. She keeps telling me she is not a fragile piece of glass, but she doesn’t see what I see. She doesn’t see the hurt in her eyes, the tears on her cheek, and the dark cloud that follows after a negative test. What makes it even worse is there is nothing I can do about it. I know she is stronger than I give her credit for, but I am still supposed to protect her…and I cannot protect her from this.

The pain (mentally, emotionally, and physically) that we have endured during this journey has been more of a challenge than I ever anticipated. I have always considered myself a man of God, and these past few years has made me question that. It has made me wonder if our prayers are actually being heard…and if they are, are they being ignored? Are we being punished for past mistakes? In the past, I wasn’t the most chivalrous…and I have often said that I wonder if this is my punishment for that. Just like any other parent, God has consequences for his children…I just started to think it wasn’t fair anymore, so I “shelved” my faith. Even though this is something I felt like I needed to do for me, it made me worry about what it would do to “us.” Many relationships have ended because of infertility (I hate that word), and now I was adding more fuel to the fire. I put my faith (the same faith that brought me to my wife) to the side, and we were struggling to have a child…the recipe for the perfect storm.

The beautiful thing about my marriage is…my wife is truly my best friend, and I can tell her anything. I learned early on in our relationship that I could confide in her, and she wouldn’t judge me…and vice versa. When she shared that she was starting this blog, I was happy that she found an outlet for what she was feeling. I am glad she has found this for herself, but does have me wondering about an outlet for myself. Colette is very aware of how I have been feeling, and it has led to some much needed conversations. I now know I am ready to move forward with my faith, reignite the hope of our future family, and do what it takes to get through whatever may come our way.

Just Breathe.

This week, I needed to take a beat. I have had a lot on my mind, and a few things to figure out schedule wise…but I am very much still here.

This is week #2 of my health focus…and I have had a lot of successes, and a couple of fails. Overall, I am pleased with the adjustments that I have been making…but I still have a ways to go.

I restarted my membership to Planet Fitness, and I try to work out at least three to four times a week. I have already felt myself wanting to make excuses about not going, but so far I have pushed past that. I drink so much water now! I purchased this awesome water bottle (linked here), and I usually try to drink two to three fill ups. I take an over the counter iron supplement (until my doctor prescribes a stronger one). I have reduced gluten inclusive foods down to one meal, but will be shifting to completely gluten free in the next few weeks.

With all this said and done, I still have my “issues” that mess with my motivation. I have back pain that “gives” an excuse to not work out today. Any time I am extremely active, it triggers a mini cycle…so for the amount of physical activity I am incorporating into my week, I constantly feel like I am on a cycle. My fatigue level is really high because of my anemia….so I am still fog headed, in need of a nap, or get a lot of headaches. Some days it is all three.

I know who I am, and I am someone who has always let the excuses get in the way. Always. So here is a moment of transparency….I am scared that I will fail, again. I am scared that I will let me exhaustion get the best of me. I am scared that I will give into food that is easy to get/tastes really damn good vs. food that is best for my body. I am scared that the constant cycle will not stop, and I will not be physically capable of carrying a child. That’s what all this is for! Our child. I am scared that the first real thing I have to do as a potential parent…I will fail at. I am not a physical mother yet, and I already have the potential of failing my child.

These thoughts are overwhelming to be honest. I feel pushed to the edge, and I am scared of what will happen if I don’t step up to the plate. So, in the plethora of moments like this, I have to remember to breathe. Just breathe. Take on one thing at a time…and do what I know I can, control what is controllable, make the best decision for me in the moment, and breathe. It has not been easy so far, and it will not get easier as I go. But my husband and I have reached an non-negotiable conclusion that we will be parents. Period. This is in our hearts, it is our destiny. So I have to do my part, just like he has to do his.

In two, three, four…

Out two, three, four…

How Far Will I Go?

In the last week, I have had two doctor’s appointments to gather more information on why I have not been able to get pregnant. I had an appointment with Dr. Meiring, and we talked about my anemia, weight, and overall general health; I also had an appointment with Dr. Jones specifically about my fertility status, endometriosis, and what we should be planning for next. These two appointments were everything I needed them to be, and totally not what I expected.

First up was Dr. Meiring. I originally scheduled an appointment with him for a totally different reason (3 months ago)…and that issue corrected itself. I decided to keep the appointment because his new patient waitlist was 3 months long, and I didn’t want another situation to pop up and not have access to his practice. Since my original issue was not longer a “thing,” I inquired about my overall health. I knew my weight was an issue, but I wanted to see if I was battling something I had no knowledge of. He decided to order bloodwork, and what we found was a known obstacle…but we didn’t know the extent of it. I have Microcytic Anemia. I actually found that out about 3 years ago in a side conversation with my father. He “reminded” me that they were told about my anemia when I was an infant, but it was very mild. I had no idea, but it made sense because of all the “symptoms” I had (fatigue, always cold, light-headed). My doctor at the time did bloodwork on me for pre-op purposes, and it confirmed what my father had shared. Still anemic, still mild. The bloodwork I just had this past week was a bit more than mild, and as scary as that initially was…it started to make everything else make sense. I have noticed in the past year and a half, or so, that my fatigue was worsening…I was ALWAYS cold…and when I stand up from a seated or bent over position, I would become extremely light-headed, almost to the point of fainting or losing balance. I started giving up lunch breaks so that I could nap instead, and I started wearing full blown hoodies in the summer. Well, my numbers have dropped, and it is effecting me more than I gave it credit. Once I saw my numbers, I started doing research and found that anemia has some major connections to infertility. It has been tied to lack of eggs during ovulation, or poor quality of eggs during ovulation (which leads to higher chances of miscarriages). My mind started racing and putting together a plan…but I couldn’t really implement anything until I had a my appointment with Dr. Jones.

Dr. Jones confirmed what I pretty much already knew…we have to move forward with next steps if we want to have children. We have to revisit fertility treatments. According to Dr. Jones, it has been three years…and we have done everything that we should’ve done up to this point. I have tried Clomid and Femara, I had labs done to make sure everything was where it needs to be, I had an HSG in 2018, I also had a Laparoscopy in 2018. At this point there is nothing left but to work with a specialist. A part of me knew this would be his assessment…but I also knew that based off of my appointment with Dr. Meiring, I needed to get my personal health fully in check before venturing into fertility treatments. The process can be very hard on the body, and if we really want to be parents….I was going to have to make some changes.

How far will I go? What changes am I truly ready to make for a chance at motherhood? Should we move forward with the specialist, or should we put it in God’s hands?

My husband and I have made the decision to still TTC, but put a pause on it for a couple months so I may focus on my health. We want to give ourselves the best chance for success…and if I am not presenting the best me, how can I be upset if it doesn’t work in our favor? I don’t want to bore you guys with all of the in-depth details of what I found out in regards to anemia being connected to infertility, I will just leave you this link so you can read it for yourself. I know that in order to become a mother, I must battle Microcytic Anemia and Endometriosis. It will not be easy. So, again I ask myself….how far will I go? As far as I have to.

Added Support.

As I shared before, my husband and I have been TTC for three years. Six months in I began searching high and low for answers…and when I couldn’t find answers, I searched for other women who were going through what I was. I was looking for support.

I met a dear friend of mine in a FB group created for wives. We found that we had a lot in common, including TTC. After a few months, we decided to create a group specifically for wives who were struggling to have children (not offense to the single moms out there). That’s when “First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage…(Wives TTC)” was born. Shortly after the group was created, we added another Admin…and the group just blossomed. The three of us gave these wives a safe space to gather information, share frustrations, and celebrate pregnancies. It was/is such a great place to navigate through our individual journeys…together.

A little over a year ago, we started to notice that there were a lot of issues that WOC (women of color) would face…and we wanted a space to discuss those issues without anyone feeling excluded. We made the decision to create another group called “Black Wives TTC” to allow an open forum on these topics. Once again, this group flourished. More women began to join, and we found that there are so many that are struggling.

Knowing that so many women are struggling to have children has been heartbreaking, and oddly relieving. It has been an important part of my story, and has been a source of help to so many aspiring mothers. So, today I offer you the same support…I offer you the same connection…I offer you the same sisterhood. If you want to join us, just click the links I shared. We would love to have you!!!!

Meet the Creators…

Colette Howell
LeShay Watkins
Nika Ward

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